I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
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Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
What’s a Messi?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell