My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Seems legit
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
LA today:
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.