My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
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Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Good dog. ❤️
no
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO