“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Great acting.. 😂
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.