People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
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me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.