I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.