“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.