me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.