If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot