Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.