My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.