Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
From my Mom
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.