Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You Might Also Like
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now