Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”