Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Put the is in disheveled
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Go hard or stay average
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.