[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
You Might Also Like
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’m sure it’s fine.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.