*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My circle of trust is a meatball
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.