Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay