I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Just me and my debit card against the world
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.