80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Expect the unexporcupine.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.