cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
two people or more is called a problem
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’d … I’d rather not.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant