You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
You Might Also Like
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.