[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Not today
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”