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I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road