what could possibly go wrong?
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I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“What movie?” 🤔
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich