As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand