West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: