Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*