My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
You Might Also Like
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
A classic…
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀