I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
How times have changed.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.