Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
This is me
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that