Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her