I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
New tinder profile pic