[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
You Might Also Like
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
How I like cutting carbs
The first matador
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?