Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
How it started: How it’s going: