If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
No, YOUR illiterate.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.