[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.