11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.