I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
kitchen magnet
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you