I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD