man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
shit just got real
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating