If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
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Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*