Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.