Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
God, I love Scotland
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.