Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
New comic up. “Ransom”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit