WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
is this store having a stroke wtf
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?