detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
This line from Airplane.