cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Can’t. Being lazy.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Monica just destroyed the internet
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I am a gravy boat captain
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”