My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.