coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Butt weight. There’s more!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
#parenting
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!